Human baby is a delicacy in many areas like China, France, Middle Earth, and Kentucky. First you need to acquire a human baby in good health that's very robust. The next thing you need to do in preparation is bathe the baby. Contrary to popular belief, babies don't come with that sweet, powdery, new baby smell. Babies actually stink. If you've ever had a baby you would know that they smell horrible, especially when they have a soiled diaper. This is always a concern as well. You don't want to have your baby in soiled diapers or clothing for this can drastically take away from the flavor.
First, fill a baby bath tub up with warm water. Not to cold and not too hot. You don't want to overheat your baby by placing it in a hot bath. This makes babies cranky and cranky babies don't taste as good. This is also an excellent opportunity to marinate your baby. Add a bit of baby oil to the water, this keeps the babies skin soft and silky. Next add a flavored soap or bubble mixture to the bath. Personally I love cucumber. Cucumber baby is just delicious and smells so nice.
Once you have prepared your marinade, the water is warm but not to hot, it's time to add the baby. Make sure that you remove the babies diaper and clothing before placing him into the bath. You can add clean clothing later if desired. Let the baby splash around in the water and play. This makes baby happy and a happy baby is a tasty baby. You can sample your baby now if you like. Just place your lips to your babies arm, neck, or belly, and let the smell and flavor of your baby tantalize your senses. Baby is almost ready to go now!
Make sure you spread the marinade around your baby by using a small, soft cloth or sponge. With your fingers, work the marinade gently into the babies hair. Use the cloth or sponge to cover the arms, torso, legs, back, and face. Just be careful not to get the marinade in babies eyes for this will cause baby to cry and baby tears add way too much salt to the marinade.
After your baby is sufficiently marinated, its time for step two. Using a soft, clean towel, take your baby out of the tub and wrap him in the towel. Cradle him in your arms and gently mop up any marinade about his face and head. Keep him warm to avoid a freezer burned taste. Next, lay your baby down on a bed or a changing table. Unwrap him from the towel and use it to dry him off good. Then, I like to add a little lotion to baby. If you like a tropical taste try some coco butter. Lavender is also good. Get his arms and legs, neck, backside and his hands and feet. After the lotion I add just a tiny bit of baby powder to his back side and chest. Rub it in gently with your hand. Sample your baby again by gently blowing raspberries on his belly. If your baby laughs then he is ready for dressing.
Get a new, clean diaper and put it on your baby. I also like to dress him in a onesie on cooler nights. Next, pick out a nice warm sleeper for baby and dress him in this as well. If the sleeper has feet socks are not recommended because this can over heat baby. Now that baby is clean it's time for the stuffing. Depending on babies age you have several choices for stuffing. This is why I recommend babies that are old enough to eat baby food. Baby food is much tastier than formula and a much better stuffing when preparing your baby. For me, I prefer to use strained squash, peaches or pears. Pudding can be used for added flavor as well. Put a bib on your baby to keep his new clothes clean and place him in his high chair.
The best method for stuffing your baby is by using the airplane or chew chew train. This keeps baby happy and your less likely to end up with a huge mess and wasted stuffing. Using a small spoon, instruct baby to "Open up for the chew chew" and then wait for him to open his mouth. Gently put the spoon in his mouth, don't force it, and wait for him to close his mouth around the spoon before pulling it back out. Give him a drink of apple-juice to wash it down. Once your baby has been given the right amount of stuffing he may be feeling a bit sleepy. The preparation is exhausting for you both but well worth it in the end.
Wipe babies mouth off with the bid before removing it, then pick baby up and cradle him in your arms. Find a nice place to sit, a rocking chair is perfect, and slowly rock your baby while speaking or singing soothingly to him until he falls asleep. Now look at that baby in your arms and smile. He's so cute, so peaceful, so adorable. You have worked up to this moment, painstakingly making sure each step was followed exactly to ensure a well prepared baby. Now, you can just gobble him right up!
Thanks for reading this tutorial on preparing your baby. damn I miss those days
